Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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