He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
