I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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