the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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