im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You ate ashes out of my bong
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
