Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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