my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
