Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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