When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
