FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
two words...techno handjob
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
