I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize