just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
