so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
