Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
we should paint friendship bongs
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