I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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