I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
