I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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