We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
