Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
