did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
