the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Quick, to the slutcave!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Randomize
