Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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