I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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