sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
