I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
