I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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