i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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