I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
