I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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