how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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