i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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