dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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