I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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