I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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