I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
