She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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