I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
