my mouth tastes like poor choices
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
