"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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