my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
