I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
