That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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