she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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