shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize