I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
