I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
