nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
