Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
