if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
