More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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