Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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