You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
