I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
