so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
