I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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