If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
