Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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