Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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