I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
