all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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