He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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